Saturday, June 05, 2021

Southwest pilot who watched porn from cockpit taking 'fun' to new level at carrier

Now-retired Michael Haak, 60, of Longwood, Florida,  pleads guilty to a misdemeanor charge in an escapade that took Southwest's 'fun-LUVing attitude' too far.


Palm Beach Post columnist Frank Cerabino

Did you hear the one about the airline pilot who got in trouble for watching porn during a flight to Florida?

It happened on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Orlando last summer. And the now-retired pilot, Michael Haak, 60, of Longwood, pleaded guilty last week to a misdemeanor charge of lewd behavior and was sentenced to a year of probation and a $5,000 fine.

Federal prosecutors said that Haak left the pilot’s seat and disrobed in the cockpit after the plane had reached its cruising altitude. Then he began watching porn on a laptop computer.

At some point, he metaphorically began to bring his recreational pursuits in for their final descent in front of the female co-pilot, a woman he had first met that day.

“As the plane continued its flight, Haak further engaged in inappropriate conduct in the cockpit, as the first officer continued to perform her duties as an assigned aircrew member,” the prosecution statement reads.

Now I know why the cockpit door is locked. 

Airline pilot taking some personal time in cockpit

The passengers on the Southwest flight had no idea that their pilot was spending some very personal me-time during the flight. 

And Haak, while speaking at his sentencing hearing, made it sound like this was just some kind of good-natured camaraderie he was sharing with the female co-pilot – again, a woman he just met.

“It started as a consensual prank between me and the other pilot,” Haak said. “I never imagined it would turn into this in a thousand years.”

OK, I know what you are thinking. Clearly, he’s got an imagination deficiency.  

I mean who wouldn’t imagine – in less than a thousand nanoseconds – that getting out of your pilot’s seat to disrobe and carry on in front of a woman you barely know might somehow backfire?

That it would be more easily classified as sexual harassment than a prank?

Cockpit porn is harmless prank? 

But in Haak’s defense, this happened on a Southwest Airlines flight. 

Anybody who flies on Southwest knows that the company encourages its flight crews to imagine themselves as airborne comedians. 

The airline has a culture statement that stresses a “fun-LUVing attitude” for its employees.

Flight crews are encouraged to project light-hearted demeanors and to be creative with their public-address announcements to the passengers. Passengers seem to enjoy it, and many pass on through online posts the funny things they hear from the crews on Southwest flights.

They say things like, “In order to enhance the appearance of your flight crew, we will be dimming the cabin lights,” or “Your bags will be available on Carousel 4 in the terminal, or two weeks later on eBay.”

They tell passengers to be careful removing their bags from the overhead compartments because “shift happens.”

'Fun' at Southwest is part of the culture

Even the safety announcements are fodder for humor on Southwest. 

“Should this flight turn into a cruise, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device,” is a common line.

The pilots get in on the fun, too: “Sorry, folks, for that rough landing,” one pilot was reported as saying. “It wasn’t my fault. It was the asphalt.” 

Another pilot made this announcement as the plane was taxiing at the airport: “If the window seat is open on your row, please move to it so that when we pass by Delta over there they will think that our planes are full."

So, maybe Haak’s “not in a thousand years” surprise that getting nekkid and watching porn during the flight was just taking the fun-LUVing to a new level.

At least he didn’t make an announcement about it.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude, so sit back and relax, while I get out of these clothes and watch 'Grinding Nemo.' ”

Helping Southwest develop new announcements

Now that this story has gone viral, it’s a great opportunity for Southwest flight crews to craft jokes that give passengers the impression that all their pilots are in the cockpit, disrobed, watching porn and spending some very personal me-time during the flight.

I think I can help. Here are four sample announcements that flight crews on Southwest might want to use: 

1. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, so I’ll be turning off the pants-belt sign in the cockpit.”

2. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m being told from the cockpit that we anticipate experiencing some turbulence over Dallas … er, excuse me, I’m being corrected. That’s over 'Debbie Does Dallas.' ”

3. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed flying you today to your destination. And I mean that. Literally.

"I really can’t tell you. That’s what my attorney says. Sorry.”

4. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Does anybody have a battery charger for a Mac laptop? 

"My battery died in the middle of my movie, and I really need to see how it comes out in the end. Thanks loads. 

"In other news, those of you sitting on the left side of the plane might want to look out of your windows. 

"That’s the Grand Canyon down below. … Oh, never mind. I’m being told by my first officer, that’s the skyline of Cleveland, Ohio.”


Former Pilot Pleads Guilty to Federal Charge in Maryland and is Sentenced to One Year of Probation for Exposing Himself to a Female First Officer While the Plane Was In Flight

Also Ordered to Pay Fine of $5,000

Baltimore, Maryland – U.S. Magistrate Judge J. Mark Coulson today sentenced Michael Haak, age 60, of Longwood, Florida, to one year of probation, after Haak admitted that he committed a lewd, indecent, or obscene act during a flight in which he was pilot in command. At the time of the crime, Haak was employed as a pilot with Southwest Airlines.  Magistrate Judge Coulson also ordered Haak to pay a fine in the amount of $5,000.

The guilty plea and sentence were announced by Acting United States Attorney for the District of Maryland Jonathan F. Lenzner and Acting Special Agent in Charge Rachel Byrd of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Baltimore Field Office.

According to Haak’s plea agreement, on August 10, 2020, Haak was the Captain, that is, pilot in command, of a flight traveling from Philadelphia International Airport to Orlando International Airport. Haak was assisted by a female First Officer who Haak had never met prior to that flight.

Haak admitted that, after the aircraft had achieved cruising altitude, Haak got out of the pilot’s seat, and while still in the cockpit of the plane, intentionally disrobed and viewed pornographic media on a laptop computer.  As the plane continued its flight, Haak further engaged in inappropriate conduct in the cockpit, as the First Officer continued to perform her duties as an assigned aircrew member.   

Acting United States Attorney Jonathan F. Lenzner praised the FBI for its work in the investigation and thanked the Department of Transportation Office of Inspector General and Southwest Airlines for their assistance.  Mr. Lenzner thanked Assistant U.S. Attorney P. Michael Cunningham, who prosecuted the case.

2 comments:

  1. Idiot. No, you can no longer gratify yourself in the cockpit within a few feet of a female crew member. In fact, you can't gratify yourself in the cockpit AT ALL without facing "early retirement". Shame on SWA for letting this jackass "retire". He should have been fired on the spot and the FAA should take certificate action against him for careless and reckless operation of an aircraft.

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